I am just sitting here at my computer just wondering. Wondering about what? Family, future, friends, finances (did not plan the whole "f" thing there). I do not have a lot--I do not want a lot as far as that goes. I try to be the best mom I can, I pay my bills as I am able to, I keep my house as clean as possible, I go to church, lead worship, teach AWANA, work full-time at a daycare, and go over-the-board with my scrapping sometimes. I trust God fully, believe in Him faithfully, and call on Him frequently. All of that said----I am still missing something.
I think I am still missing a "parent". I spent most of Thanksgiving week with my mom. She tried her best to be my mom. She bought groceries, gas, Christmas presents for Jacob and me. We played games, watched movies cooked and baked together. Even with all of that, I still saw her as the person who yelled at me, disowned me, beat the snot out of me, made my years at home miserable. I still live in those moments when I am with her. How do I ever let go of that? Do I want a mom so bad that I have lost sight of what I want instead of what I have?
I want to be able to have time with my mom and not see her through my "child's"eyes. I just do not know how to do this. This is my goal: to figure out how to see my mom for who she is now, and not what she was back then. She may still be the same person, but I want to really see her through God's eyes, maybe then I will see her without my child's eyes. Does this make any sense.
3 comments:
Aw Kay, my heart aches for you! You know God knows exactly what you feel, and he knows your heart on this. He can bring complete healing, in His time, just keep trusting in Him to bring healing in this. (I know it sometimes is easier to say than do)
Praying for you.
Love you girl!
Kay you are in my thoughts and prayers! I agree 100% with LouAnn the Lord knows your heart and will lead you through! Blessings and Hugs!!
Kay, I just read this posting and had to respond. For yourself and not for anyone else you have to forgive your mother. It may sound like I'm making light of it but I'm not. Unforgiveness keeps you "behind bars" and the only key is true-from your heart forgiveness. Ask God to help you forgive her totally, once you do, with God's love and grace you will then be able to enjoy her for who she is today. Blessings to you friend.
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